If there’s one thing I know from my excessive research expeditions on OCD, It’s that no one really knows what absolutely causes it. There are certain studies that indicate that OCD might run in families and can be a result of a traumatic event that occurred in one’s life. Maybe it’s even a neurological problem and certain parts of the brain cause OCD symptoms. Who knows. SO basically what I learned from personally investigating is that there’s nothing really concrete for many of us to go on. Unfortunately, that’s not sufficient enough for those of us who suffer from OCD. The constant need to obtain more information, or rather, Confirmation, is all too familiar for most of us. I have an insatiable need to learn more about what it is that is contributing to what I like to refer to as my mental downfall. I know this term can be offensive, and maybe even a little harsh, but for those of us who suffer (yes, SUFFER) from OCD, we know what it’s like to constantly feel like we’re spiraling out of control and tumbling down a hill that inevitably leads to insanity. That is the reality for many of us who have yet to achieve a good place with our OCD treatment. So let me tell you this, It is not our fault. I know many of us live surrounded by constant fear, guilt, and doubt. But I assure you, this is not a result of our behavior or a direct result from a mistake we’ve made in the past. This is a real and very scary disorder that we have been subjected to. Please I repeat, NOTHING that we have done has made us deserving of this. I think that has been a large obstacle in my recovery as well. Today I’m slowly learning to accept that I’m not constantly being punished for my past mistakes. I think that’s a good place to stop.
If you’ve stumbled upon this blog there is a good chance you’re franticly reading article after article in hopes of learning what is happening to you. If you’re scrambling the internet for information as to why your mind has begun to betray you, you are not alone. Its been two years since my diagnosis and what a couple of years it has been. When the thoughts first started I thought they were normal. I began to become more hesitant to drive at night time. Which at the time I thought nothing of, but soon the thoughts began to come more often. I remember the day that I realized something was terribly wrong with me because I was sitting down and the sudden thought of having been in an accident plagued my mind and continued to play over and over in my head until I physically got up and checked my car. I’m not entirely sure what I was looking for at the time. Maybe dents, blood, any signs of an accident, really. I remember feeling like I was losing control. Soon the thoughts began to come at all times of the day. Though I feel as if they were, and continue to be, worse at night. I was constantly checking my mirrors and looking for others to reassure me that I had in fact not been in an accident nor killed anyone while behind the wheel. I could feel the grip I had on my thoughts and feelings loosen, and I immediately thought I was losing my mind. Surely I would remember if I had been in an accident? There is no way that I would not know if I had hit someone? I stop even when people don’t have the right away. How could I possibly be involved in a car crash and not know it? I was certain that this was the beginning of the end for my mental stability. I was wrong. It was not the end of my life as I had originally thought, but a whole new chapter of my life with obsessive compulsive disorder.